This piece is written in response to
the article on ‘Role of guardians in Muslim marriages’ by Mass L. Usuf.
Rukaiyya, a 19-year old
woman from Batticaloa was brought up by her mother, after the death of her
father when she was a child. Societal and family pressures on a single mother
earning daily wage meant that Rukaiyya was given in marriage at the age of 16
right after her O’Level exams, by an uncle who until the day of the nikah had
little to do with her family. Of course
Rukaiyya knew she was getting married, but her ‘consent’ was following months of
coercion, insistence and influence on both her and her mother. She herself had
plans to study Commerce for A’Levels. The day of her nikah was not even decided
by Rukaiyya, who was told of it by her uncle the morning that it was happening.
Rukaiyya’s own husband abandoned her a year ago, after moving to another
district with his second wife.
It is undisputed Mr. Mass
Usuf, that the role of parents in the wellbeing of their children is of utmost
importance, especially at the time of marriage. But the view of guardianship
you present in your article does not take into account the diverse families
that exist among Sri Lankan Muslims and the multitude of our experiences in
contemporary times. It is especially blind to the roles that Muslim women play
in their families beyond motherhood, and also of the negative experiences women
and girls have had with male guardians.
Why are only men guardians?
Mr.
Mass Usuf, you mentioned in your article that a father will “make double sure
that the security and safety of the daughter’s rights are not breached.” This
maybe the case for some families, Alhamdulillah. But for some other families it
is not.
Forced
and coerced marriages have and continue to happen in the hands of fathers,
uncles, grandfathers and brothers. Case studies around Sri Lanka show that the
very people who are meant to protect the rights and interest of Muslim girls,
are sometimes the ones who violate their rights. And it is for this purpose that laws exist – to stop and prevent
injustices from happening, not to contain loopholes through which they can
happen, like the current MMDA does.
Like Rukaiyya, my two
sisters and I were raised by a single mother, who was our sole guardian for
most of our lives. She was the primary breadwinner, our protector, our
provider, our trusted wali in every
sense of the word. Blood, sweat and tears is what it took for this hardworking
Muslim woman to educate her daughters and make sure we can stand on our own two
feet. So does this concept of guardianship (wilayah)
that you present and so ardently advocate for, take into consideration my
mother’s right to consent to her daughters marriages? Is it fair that an uncle
or a male Quazi, who has had nothing to do with my upbringing, have the
stronger right than my mother to give “permission” for me to get married?
It is
reductionist to limit the concept of families to just those in which fathers
are present and are sole breadwinners, and ignore the realities of many Muslim
families where this is not the case.
The concept of wilayah that
is popular and on which laws such as the Sri Lankan MMDA is framed, is based on
the premise that men are the protectors and providers of women, and thus have a
‘degree’ of responsibility above them. But in the event that fathers and husbands
are unwilling, unable or unavailable to protect or provide for their families
and their children, and Muslim women take over this responsibility in providing
maintenance (nafaqa) and protection,
then does the law treat these women with the same privileges?
The answer is NO.
Therefore, what we are presented with here is not a family law that considers
the contemporary situation of families, but one that is patriarchal and favors
men simply
because they are men.
Why only guardians for women and girls?
Surely
parents also have the best interest of their sons at heart and seek to find a
wife who is caring, loving and able to be a true awliya (ally) to their son? Surely they are also shedding tears for
their sons on their wedding day, as an expression of deep love and concern for
their boys, similar to their daughters? Shouldn’t the same principles of
guardianship for grooms apply if so?
But I
am sure there are many who think women are so incapable of managing affairs as
men do and hence need additional protection in marriage.
Once
again they are forgetting that in present day Sri Lanka and also around the
world, Muslim women are emerging as educated, independent and responsible
individuals, highly active in family and community life. We see Muslim women
heading companies, organizations and holding positions in politics, law,
business and education. A true testament
to the diversity and progressive nature of Muslim communities in Sri Lanka. These
women are also wives, mothers and daughters, making equal or more contributions
to their families and households either financially or as primary caretakers.
Many Muslim women are also heads of households. This is not only the case in
urban areas, but widespread all over Sri Lanka, including in areas affected
previously by the conflict.
Also
the idea of ‘losing daughters’ when they get married is prehistoric and exist
only in Indian advertisements. In many families there is no difference between
the roles that daughters and sons play in their families. In fact a popular
topic of dinner conversations these days is the opinion that when a daughter
marries, the family is gaining a son, but when a son marries they are losing
their own son. This may or may not be true in all cases, but I am sure you know
of many families where daughters end up as primary caretakers of elderly
parents and siblings.
Many
of my female cousins and Muslim friends support the education and upkeep of
their own brothers. So in the absence of a father, does this mean the brothers
that they cared for are the ones who need to give them permission to marry?
Bad
marriages don’t happen solely because women decided whom to marry, but in many
cases like Rukaiyya’s also because the men in their lives decided for them. Muslim women today are, and always have
been as capable as any Muslim man to decide when and whom to marry, without
that decision being dependant on the permission of anyone else.
Consent
with full autonomy
Whoever thinks that Muslim
women demanding reform to the MMDA are asking for the abolishment of parents
role in marriage, has really not taken the time to understand what is being
articulated. So let us first be clear.
What is being asked is the
granting of women’s full autonomy to
enter into marriage as independent human beings. Muslim brides must also be
able to consent to their marriages exactly as Muslim grooms, which means not
requiring the PERMISSION of any male guardian or worse an unqualified male
Quazi. Of course this union is celebrated
with the blessings, understanding and involvement of, and witnessing by,
their parents and families. It is what makes the match and the marriage so much
more compatible, beautiful and sustainable.
Islam allows women to enter
into contracts as an independent party. The ‘contract’ of marriage is between a
woman and man.. The fact that a woman requires the ‘permission’ of a male
guardian or Quazi, completely removes
her rights as granted by her God and the State to enter into one of the
most important contracts of her life in an exercise of her own free will.
‘Here
comes the bride’… and the groom!
When my sisters and I get
married we most definitely want our families to be part and parcel of our
weddings and marriages, but the right to say yes to a man and enter into marriage must and will rest solely
on our decision to do so.
So imagine this scenario,
where as we walk down the aisle, my future husband and I will enter into our
marriage as equal partners in the
eyes of Allah, our families and each other. We will together be protectors,
providers and maintainers of our families.
We will together be caretakers of the elderly and jointly parent and
bear responsibility for our children. We will nourish, support and strengthen
each other in faith and with mutual love and compassion, through the good times
and bad.
We will in essence, fulfill
the true Islamic notion of wali, where
it appears in the Quran (Surah 9: Verse 71) in plural form:
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